Heart of Love

I’m sitting in my room listening to Kid Cudi. I want to go away and do something. Something crazy. I’m starting to feel caged by this town. Maybe I need to go live life a little bit. To be honest, I feel alone. I miss people. I want to run and not stop. I want to kiss a boy and take his breath away. I want to dance and be good at it. I want to jump off an airplane and feel free. I’ve always been bound- bound by expectations, people, rules, legalism, and close minded judgements. I love Jesus more than I ever have in my life but I feel like I’m at a cross roads. I’m trying to decide if I should go down the road of being me, loving Jesus, and not being bound by people or if I should keep being good.
Should I settle for mediocrity so that I can fool myself with this illusion that u am being accepted and fitting in when in reality I know that everything in me is fighting against these chains of expectations and commitments?
I can wear this mask of attempting perfection but the more I wear it the more everything in me rebels. I want out. I want out of having to be good. I want out of being happy because it’s the “right” thing to do. Let me make my decisions. Cry with me. Love with me. Laugh with me. Dance with me. Jump out of airplanes with me. Be free with me. Love Jesus with me. Let me be real. Help me rip off this mask of being good. Help me. Show me that I can be the person God wants me to be without wearing the chains of expectations, the mask if happiness, and living in this prison of legalistic judgements. I want to love like I’ve never loved. I want to be all in or all out. Care to join me?

I’m nothing. I have no identity. It’s all disappeared and I’m now reduced to the nameless girl sitting in an empty parking lot with tears streaming down my face. I’m crying out but no one here’s. I’m on empty with no hope of being filled. I look at the sky and I wonder if I even matter. It’s days like these that make me question why I’m here. I wonder if I have a purpose. I feel like a stranger in my hometown. I feel like I am observing life but not living it. I watch the cute couples as they sit together dreaming about happily ever after, I observe the moms twirl their children around, I see the circle close without me there to complete it. I feel unneeded and I know the Jesus answer, the mom answer, the friend answer. I get it. Really, I do but right now I feel like I could start driving and never stop and no one would care. I am invisible. I for the first time do not belong.

I used to think that if I was living life the right way that everything would be organized and in its place. I thought that being in control was what I needed but somehow during these last few months I’ve discovered the beauty in chaos. I’ve discovered the joy of letting go. The peace that comes with surrender. I’ve learned to open my heart and love. I’ve learned that its okay to be hurt, to be angry, to be happy, to be fully authentic. I’ve learned that coffee isn’t the vile drink that I once thought it was. I learned that huge hoodies are like a big hug. I’ve learned that community doesn’t have to look perfect. I’ve learned that legalism isn’t something that I want to be a part of. I’ve learned that you don’t have to be happy to have joy. I’ve learned that though pain beauty arises. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to be completely broken in order to ever be made whole. I’ve learned that pickles and mustard make great midnight snacks. I’ve learned that pursuing Jesus is the path that I want to take. I’ve learned that I can’t be who everyone wants me to be. I’ve learned more fully who I am. I’ve learned that big guy hugs are one of the best things ever. I’ve learned that letting go of my dreams means that I can finally live out His dream. I’ve learned that friendship isn’t something that can be contained in a little box but that it extends to all times…even when its messing and no fun. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to simply reach out and then maybe just maybe you will be sought out. <3

i don’t know what it means to love. i know what those mushy gushy feelings feel like. i know how to give the spiritual answer as to what love is but what does real selfless love look like on a day to day basis?

What does it meant to show love as you live in community with people? I’ve been living with a bunch of other people since July and eventually they do become another family. We are family. We’re each different and unique. We each have our strengths and our weaknesses. We each have our quirks and our pet peeves and sometimes we get really tired and moody. Sometimes we get sick. Sometimes we feel super happy but no matter how we feel we have to love each other. What I’m realizing is that I’m not always sure how to love. There is no formula. There is no “oh, I can smile at you and you’ll know that I love you” or “I’ll hug you and you’ll know that I love you.” I can’t just be loving when I want to be. I have to be loving at all times but how can I do that? What does that look like?